Looking back, the signs of infidelity can seem glaringly obvious: sudden secrecy, odd behavior, or a partner’s unusual overcompensation. Maybe they became evasive about their whereabouts, or their phone suddenly became off-limits. But when you’re in love, spotting these red flags isn’t always easy.
According to Rachel Sussman, LCSW, a therapist and author of The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce, many people ignore the signs because acknowledging them feels too threatening. “The status quo feels safe, and most people don’t want to admit that the person they’ve trusted, loved, and built a life with could be betraying them,” Sussman explains. Fear of change, denial, and misplaced hope can all make it hard to confront the truth.
Still, gut feelings often signal when something isn’t right. “Your instincts are your guide,” says Nikquan Lewis, MS, LMFT, a sex therapist in Texas. “It’s important to tune into the physical, mental, and emotional cues your body gives when you’re uncomfortable.” Learning to trust these signals can save you heartbreak down the line.
But what should you actually watch for? To help you spot potential red flags, we gathered stories from people who discovered their partners were cheating. Their insights highlight how sneaky infidelity can be—and why trusting your intuition is key.
- Sudden Changes in Intimacy
When Scame back from a spring break trip eager to reconnect with her long-distance boyfriend, she was surprised by his sudden disinterest in physical intimacy. “Normally, he’d be all over me after a long time apart,” she recalls. Instead, he went to bed early every night. She later learned he had cheated while on vacation. His withdrawal was likely driven by guilt—or a lingering emotional attachment to his fling. - Overprotectiveness About Their Phone
For J,her partner’s excessive caution with their phone became a major red flag. Constantly changing passcodes, insisting on being the only one to use their device for music or directions, and flipping their phone screen down at every opportunity all pointed to something being hidden. “Whenever I held her phone, she’d look panicked,” J says. The truth eventually came out: she was messaging someone else. - Projecting Cheating Behavior
If your partner accuses you of infidelity without cause, it might be because they’re the guilty one. Kexperienced this firsthand. Her ex made her unfollow all her male friends and exes on social media, constantly accusing her of straying. “He gaslit me into thinking it was respectful to cut out other men from my life,” she says. Turns out, he was projecting—he’d been cheating for six months. - Guilt-Tripping You for Asking Questions
When Mconfronted her boyfriend about rumors of cheating, he deflected by making her feel guilty for doubting him. “He said things like, ‘You’re really going to trust other people over me?’” she recalls. Despite multiple reports from friends, she was initially hesitant to believe it. Later, she discovered not only had he cheated—but with multiple people. - Overcompensating With Grand Gestures
Grand romantic gestures can sometimes mask infidelity. For S,her ex’s sudden barrage of flowers, expensive dinners, and other gifts raised suspicions. “I felt sick to my stomach, even though he was doing sweet things,” she says. It turned out he was cheating and trying to ease his guilt. - Keeping Questionable Company
Your partner’s friends and influencers they admire can offer clues to their values. A’sex hung out with people who normalized cheating and consumed content from influencers who encouraged infidelity. “When I suggested he follow someone more respectful, he dismissed it,” she says. Sure enough, his behavior matched the toxic messaging he surrounded himself with. - Avoiding Public Acknowledgment of Your Relationship
While not everyone loves broadcasting their relationship online, refusing to acknowledge a partner on social media can signal dishonesty. Wnoticed his partner frequently posted with friends but never with him. “I didn’t care about being in her posts, but it was strange how deliberate it felt,” he explains. He later found out she was flirting with others and didn’t want them to know she was in a relationship. - Fostering Emotional Intimacy Elsewhere
Emotional affairs can be just as hurtful as physical ones. Bfelt uneasy whenever her boyfriend interacted with a specific female friend. “I always felt like the odd one out,” she recalls. After they broke up, she discovered he had been emotionally cheating with that same friend, eventually leaving her for her. - Hesitating to Answer Calls or Meet in Person
When Tstarted dating someone new, she noticed they avoided answering her spontaneous calls and often canceled plans last minute. “They’d call back with a weak excuse or change their mind about meeting up,” she says. It turned out her partner was already in a relationship and hiding her.
Learning to Trust Your Instincts
The common thread in these stories is the importance of intuition. If something feels off—whether it’s a sudden change in behavior, secretive habits, or an emotional disconnect—don’t dismiss it. While it’s painful to confront the possibility of infidelity, doing so can save you from deeper heartbreak later.
Listening to your gut doesn’t necessarily mean jumping to conclusions. Instead, approach your concerns with curiosity and openness. “You don’t need concrete evidence to validate your feelings,” Sussman explains. “Acknowledging your discomfort is the first step to understanding what’s really going on.”
If you’re unsure how to address your concerns, consider seeking support from a therapist or trusted friend. They can help you unpack your feelings, validate your suspicions, and decide the best way to move forward. And remember, facing the truth is always better than staying in denial—no matter how difficult it might seem.